your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
