no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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