I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
