Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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