god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
