I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Thank you <3 he just looked at me, fist bumped me, and asked me what was on my titty....we may cut her off
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
