i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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