you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
