I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
