i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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