false alarm. still invincible.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Randomize
