I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Just invented taco cereal.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
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