The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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