Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
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