In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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