You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
