She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
