You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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