I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Randomize
