dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
