I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
