you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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