I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
