If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
