She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Randomize
