we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
