i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
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