Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
