Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
