I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Randomize
