Princesses don't give blow jobs
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
