When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
