from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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