can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
