I just made out with a guy for $7.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
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