so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
birth control should be required to get into college
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm getting married
To pizza
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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