and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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