I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
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