I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I wish i was in the wii world.
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I stole a fireplace last night.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
