im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
