Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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