i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
