I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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