Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
