Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
