Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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