how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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