Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Randomize
