u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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