I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
My balls are so social today.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
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