"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
