I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
