Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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